After the last post I wrote, it occurred to me that it's been quite a while since I wrote a post based on a idea, as opposed to talking about genres. Well, it turns out that genres are boring and I don't like talking about them, as is clearly evident in my records, so instead I wanted to write about how terrible love is, and how we should all flee from it. That is a lie; what I really want to write about is how great music about twisted and destructive relationships is. To aid in this endeavor, I have therefore created a playlist of music to listen to when your love life is in a tail dive. As a quick side note, I haven't even gone on any dates in the last several months, so following my advice is probably a terrible idea. Let me know how your journey goes!
So, first things first, here are some warning signs. If anyone ever shows any interest in you, and then proceeds to make you a mixtape with Every Breath You Take on it, you might want to take stock of the situation. Is it offered in the spirit of irony? If so, congratulate them on their mastery of the form/excellent taste in music. If not, consider researching restraining orders. If they offer you a Barry Manilow tape, the odds that they're a stalker are much lower, but you should still avoid dating them. The only thing that came close to being a good song he wrote was Mandy, and it barely places at a high mediocre when it's covered well. And it's almost never covered well.
So anyway, let's assume that you're already in the relationship, and things aren't working. Maybe your man is obsessed with trivial matters, or constantly sings infuriatingly catchy disco singles. Maybe your lady (incorrectly, by the way) doesn't think Fields of Gold is fantastic, and you therefore have difficulty respecting her opinion in other things that actually matter, because you are a fundamentally bad person. Maybe you're a filthy, sniveling coward trying to escape commitment, but you don't know how to do it. I'm not here to judge, I'm here to help (but incidentally, I will be judging you pretty viciously). If you want to break it off with class, I would personally recommend Forget You by Cee-Lo Green. If you're looking for a bit less class, the uncensored version of Forget You is even more effective at getting the message across, but I try to keep this blog relatively clean, so you'll have to find it on your own. Sorry.
On the flipside, maybe you got beaten to the punch. Maybe you got dumped hard, and you're trying to figure out what song you send the dumper to properly convey just how over them you are. If they're richer than you, consider either Common People (I'm personally very fond of the William Shatner cover, which is actually really good, amazingly enough) or Like a Rolling Stone, because it's the best song. If you're richer than them, what are you doing reading my blog? I didn't realize I had rich friends (also, would it be OK if I borrowed some money). However, if you're not feeling either of those, the absolute best possible option is No Children by The Mountain Goats. No Children is the single most bitter breakup song I have ever heard, and I love it. In the scenario, it's roughly equivalent to bringing an orbital cannon to a knife fight, except when you get to the fight it turns out everyone's already dead, your parents never really loved you, and Santa isn't real.
If you decide you don't want to alienate everyone you know without your breakup, however, there are somewhat less abrasive options. By which, of course, I mean more Bob Dylan. I'm sorry, I swear I try really hard to talk about music that Bob Dylan didn't write, but he's insidious. Also, he wrote really great sad breakup songs, and I'd feel remiss if I didn't mention Don't Think Twice, It's Alright. It's basically tailor made for these situations. However, if you feel that listening to Bob's whining rasp would not be good for a sense of closure, there is OF COURSE a Peter Paul & Mary cover, and it is of course great.
Lastly, if you're past the breakup stage and just feel like remembering the bad old days, I've got just the thing! The Old Apartment by Bare Naked Ladies is both a great song and a perfect description for the joys of post-breakup woes. Listen to it when you're in the kind of mood where calling your ex to blame them seems like a good decision (pro-tip: no, it's not, don't do it).
And most lastly of all, here's a bonus song! We all need more psychedelic in our lives, right? Yeah, that's right.
Best cover of Mandy is by the Me First and the Gimme-Gimme's. As so many of the best covers are.
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